Adjusting

My sister is married. As of Saturday. And I thought I was doing well. 
I mean, of COURSE I miss her.
I miss being able to talk to her about anything. I can't even text her right now cuz she is honeymooning in Jamaica.
And I really am sooo happy for them.
But there's so many things I want to talk to her about.
Trying sushi for the first time.
How truly fantastic work was today.
Does she want the Newsboys 'Go' CD that we purchased together, or do I get it?
And by the way, I just organized my room, and there is SO. MUCH. SPACE. now that she's moved out.
And... the list goes on...
But it was the same way when I broke up with Brandon. I missed texting him about random things. At least this time I know I can text Brianna soon.
I thought I was doing well.
I organized our... now my... bedroom. As previously mentioned. And that has kept me busy in my spare time. And I went out for sushi (yes, also previously mentioned). And Oma has been staying for the week. I haven't really had time for loneliness to sink in.
But today my cousin texted me how things are with one less around. And as I was texting back, telling him what's been going on this week, I realized that loneliness has been avoided all week by the business of it.
And next week I'll have nothing to hide behind.
But maybe it's better.
To just face it head on.
And just pray and remember: I am not alone. And my sister is not gone forever. She is just married. And I WILL be over there a lot.
Change is a good thing.
It can make us stronger.
Help us mature.
Teach us thankfulness.
Refocus our lives.
And show us what truly matters.

Daily Thanks

Daily I try remember:
Give thanks
Be thankful
Find the good in everything.

So often I forget.
But at the end of the day
My carpe diem notebook comes out.
The soft faux leather cover.
And I think
Consider my day
Remember what I did
What happened.
And I find thankfulness items.
454
That's how many I've found in just over two months.
It would be more, but I forgot about it for a couple weeks.

Seize the day.
Find what you are thankful to God for
Instead of focusing on the negative
And you will be joy-filled.

Crazy-Cold

Today was that crazy-cold. The kind that gets inside your head and slows you down and makes you want to curl up in a ball and stop trying. I had to sort out cucumbers good from bad and my hands were so numb and burning pain from the inside so that I could barely pick them up, never mind feel if they were soft or not. But bad cucumbers get wrinkly and some were moldy from all this rain, this misty rain that gets inside everything and makes everything damp and all the vegetables go bad before their time.
James-boss rescued me from the piercing cold of the overstaffed-by-the-other-boss-stand and sent me to sort tomatoes inside and warm up nice. No more burning numb hands. And early lunch with watery-hot coffee just hit the spot and cheered me up and laughter with my coworker-friends.

Patience for a Lonely Soul

"You should be getting over this by now, it's been two months. "
Almost.
And I am.
It's not like someone died.
Only a breakup.
But. We were together two years, I think I'm allowed to take more than two months to recover.
But I'm not getting over the loneliness.
My sister is almost married and gone.
My boyfriend is no longer mine.
My few friends are moving away and I have no car to visit them with.
I am indescribably lonely.
Left behind by life.
They are moving on, moving forward.
I am stuck in this post-boyfriend, pre-sister's-wedding, pre-job, post-piano rut. Sunk deep into it.
And all I can do is pray.
And wait for God's timing.
And I will have that be enough.
"Patience, my love,
there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
My plan for you
is so much better than you can ever envision.
You just need to learn patience. "

A Week

Sunday

Church

Monday

Get up at 5:45 a.m.

Work 

Supper

Practice piano

Sleep

Tuesday

Work again

Teach

Practice piano in the evening again

Wednesday

Practice piano

Music lesson

Women's Bible study

Thursday

Practice piano

Get distracted

Teach

Friday

Work

See Brandon

Saturday

Spend the day with Brandon

Sunday

Begin again

Decisions

There's this decision I need to make.

A life altering one.

I never thought about it this seriously before.

Maybe partially because I was in the middle of the piano year. 

And I don't quit in the middle of something.

But now I have only a couple more lessons left.

And I feel like maybe God is telling me to stop piano.

I can never consentrate on it. 

And I never have any money.

Because I spend almost $4,000 a year of my very meager income on piano lessons.

I feel like I could be spending my money on better things, 

And saving it for my future.

And I never have any time.

I can't seem to stay on top of anything. 

Get done what needs doing.

So maybe this is God telling me

"Lauren, enough is enough. 

I want you to take a different path than the one you've been following."

We had a Bible study lesson this year, 

And one of the things that really stood out to me was this:

"you have time for everything on God's to-do list"

Maybe the reason I never have time 

Is because this is no longer on God's to-do list for me.

Improvement

Sometimes I wonder if I have depression. And yes, I definitely get depressed. But God always carries me through. I feel like things are improving. Although last time I thought that my day turned out horribly. But I'm making more of an effort, even though it's setting me back in my studies. Now I need to work on at least acting happy. Because lately I'm always grumpy. I think it may have to do with stress. A lot is piling up right now. But I am doing my very best to trust God. He knows best.

Sin and misery

My Cozy Bed

Is there anything nicer late at night than new pajamas, fresh flannel sheets and a soft pillow?

Nerves

Nerves. 

Shaking knees shaking hands ruining my song shaking the pedal losing control blurring my notes nearing on panic

done.

Made it through.

It's over. Played through my mistakes.

Done